After failing to get tickets to go see One Direction for months, Iqrah, Olivia, Iqrah’s little sister and I all headed over to the Patriot Center today. It was my idea – I was hoping that we would come across some creeper older men selling cheap, last minute tickets and be blessed with the luck I had the last time I saw the Jonas Brothers as a group. This didn’t happen. Instead, we were surrounded but hundreds of girls screaming bloody murder when no famous boy band member was in sight. We headed back to town and decided to eat our feelings at IHOP. As upset as I am that I didn’t get to go to the concert, I’m happy to have had some people to spend my time with. Truly and honestly glad. It’s so nice to have Olivia in town for the summer and hanging with Iqrah is always a good time. Snapped a couple silly photos while we were there, but quickly put the camera down because we got busy talking about One Direction, Ellen and my old man crushes (mainly Craig Ferguson). All in all, it was a good night. Any time not shut in this house seems to end up that way.
I think too much a majority of the time. I may not talk a lot a majority of the time, but there always seems to be things darting around upstairs and it drives me absolutely nuts sometimes. Last night I had a breakdown because I kept thinking about all of the things I want to accomplish, how big they are, and how there is a very great chance they are never going to happen. Maybe it’s because my birthday is coming up and I’m turning nineteen. I know it isn’t old, but I can’t help but feel like it is. Sometimes I just feel years slipping by so fast and I haven’t done anything remotely brilliant. When people ask me what I want to do, I tell them I don’t know. That I want to do something involving writing. It’s somewhat true. I’m studying English and I love to write, but that’s not what is constantly consuming my thought and my heart. I want to sing. More than anything, I want to perform in front of people who genuinely like to listen to me. I want to have a ton of shows to do, I want to tour around to places I never thought I would visit. I want to feel so unbelievably tired from singing every night, but feel that rush every time I step on stage. There are days where I feel like I can do whatever I damn well want with my life and then other days where I just don’t think it is ever going to happen, no matter how hard I try. I’m good, but I also have days where I feel like I just don’t have the talent for it. I don’t know. Even if I just got a little close to that goal. Just a taste of it.
I’ve listened to the Kane Show for years. Ever since it started. If I don’t listen to them in the morning, I listen to the podcast of the show in the evening. I know that if I have the worst day imaginable, that morning show will put a smile on my face no matter what. Iqrah won tickets yesterday to see the Hunger Games today in Maryland. I knew Kane would be there with his wife because he tweeted it. I told Iqrah that if I saw him, I would probably pass out because of how much his show means to me. So, naturally, as we are leaving the theater I see Kane. I whispered to Iqrah, “There he is!” and she gave me the courage to go say hi. I approached him and he was so nice. Shook my hand, I introduced myself and I FINALLY got to say what I have wanted to say to him for so long. I told him I listen to the show every day and he is the absolute best. I got to tell him that he never fails to put a smile on my face and thanked him for everything that he does. He was so grateful and afterward introduced me to his absolutely BEAUTIFUL wife. He wasn’t shabby himself. Just saying. When we left the conversation and Iqrah and I got in the elevator to leave I couldn’t help but cry. It means a lot to me to finally be able to say thank you to someone who makes me smile every day. That’s all I ever want to do. Say thank you. Iqrah told me I seemed so relaxed and handled it so brilliantly around him. I’m really glad I only freak out when I walk away from people. I’m happy. I’m really happy. Wrapping up my night listening to the Kane Show podcast from this morning.
ignoring my criminology essay and doing absolutely nothing else productive in place of it. that’s my life, folks.
Sometimes I feel really crappy about the lack of people I have around me. Then I have days like today where I get to spend time with those I really care about and everything feels good again. Words can’t describe how nice it was to see Vy and Carrie today. I hate that they are so far away from me so often.
Sometimes I just start crying and I don’t know what’s going on. Everything just starts hurting and nothing feels right.
Sort of seriously stressed just thinking about everything I have to get done over the next week. Also a bit upset on everything I will be missing out on. Trying to keep a good mentality and a smile on, though. I know that much of it all is in my control.
These came in the mail today! I’m so excited to finally have them in my possession (especially the tiny book). I flipped Wreck This Journal to a random page and the first thing I did was tear out a page and crumple it. It took me a few moments to do it. It felt so weird to do that to a book I just got. Or, well, do that to a book at all. I’m excited to keep it going!
I’m not comfortable in my body. I want to be able to wear whatever I want without feeling uncomfortable or like my body doesn’t fit with it. I also need to realize that I need to work for the body I want. Sitting around all day and eating Doritos isn’t going to help me. I want to feel healthy. I want to know that if a zombie was running after me, I would be able to outrun it. I’m going to start working out and putting our treadmill to good use. But, I’m not going to give myself outrageous goals because every time I do that I just get discouraged and quit. So I’m going to start with small goals and help encourage myself to grow and do better. Now I just need to stop talking and typing and do it.
I am finally going to be published. It doesn’t matter if it’s small or big, it’s finally happening. That’s all I need to write for this post to mean something to me later on when I’m looking it. Finally.
